My child doesn’t want to share at school. How do I help him/her?
Sharing is a relatively high level skill that gradually develops throughout the preschool years. By the time a child graduates from preschool, he or she should be able to assess the situation, ask for a turn, accept yes or no for an answer, say yes or no to relinquishing a toy, negotiate an exchange where appropriate, set a boundary where appropriate, and recognize the other child’s capacity and flexibility in this area. That’s a lot of subtle social information to take in, instantaneously process, and act upon!
Young children (toddlers) will simply grab a toy that they’re interested in. Sometimes the other child will scream and hold onto the toy in protest. Other times they may just look with interest as the toy walks away with the child who took it. Neither of these reactions is problematic at this stage. Toddlers live by the phrase, “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine.” Adults tend to layer meaning onto children’s actions that likely isn’t there. For example the child who watched the toy walk away, is having a valid and important experience. He/she had a toy, was enjoying the toy, and now that other kid has it, and there it goes… In this case it might be interesting to narrate what happened. “Wow! You were playing with that and now Sam has it.” Maybe the child will move on or maybe they’ll want to toy back, in which case you can offer support.
The next step would be to get the toy back from Sam. Again, narration is non-judgemental and supportive of both children. “Sam, John was playing with that toy. John, tell Sam “Give it back,” You can model both language and actions for Sam, “Okay John.” He’ll either give it back or you can help facilitate that exchange. I would alo tell Sam, If you want a turn you can say, “John, when you’re done can I have a turn.”
Depending on the age, experience, and language development of the other child, the answer to this question is an easy, “Yes!” When I’m done, you can surely have it, because I will have played out my idea. Sometimes the other child will need support getting to this “yes”, due to a lack of understanding. This is commonly seen in children who have been pressed into turn-taking and sharing with timers and guilt-inducing phrases like “sharing is caring.” If this is the case, they tend to be more defensive and less generous when it comes to sharing. Careful narration will help the child gain an understanding of what this phrase means. You can guide them by saying, “You can say “Yes! When I’m done, you can have a turn.”
9 times out of 10, the child who receives the “yes” will run away content, while the child who gives the yes, will be relieved to still have their toy, and to be able to continue with their play. It is a good idea, especially with younger children, to make sure the child who asked for the toy gets it when the other child is done. It can be delivered by you or, ideally, by the child who was asked to relinquish the toy. Closing this circle means everyone sees the value of clear communication and a little patience.
