Oh the things our children say! Yikes!

It’s important to remember that young children are just that, young. Their feelings are strong and primitive. Some children (though not all) express their strong feelings in ways that may feel extreme and off putting, especially to adults. After all, we put a lot of effort into being civil with one another! 

I wouldn’t hesitate to support your child’s teacher in letting your child know that “those words are too scary for preschool and you may not say them here.” It’s important to couple this with a context appropriate model of what your child CAN say. For example: “I don’t like it when you take my toys!” “Don’t hit me!” or “Give me that dinosaur!” This kind of a statement is neither shaming nor judgemental, but begins to build a boundary around how your child expresses him/herself. You’re also providing a big YES! by offering appropriate ways to express that big feeling so that 1) the other kid and the teacher understands what’s happening and 2) your child’s big and adamant feelings are being honored.

In addition, let the teacher know that when your child says something like this, “he or she is having some very BIG feelings that require a compassionate and empathetic response.”

And now an aside for the adults… It can be very triggering to hear a phrase like this come out of a child’s mouth.It can be challenging to keep our adult reactions at bay and focus on the experience and exchange happening between the children. 

In the moment, it can help to get down on your child’s level and ask, “What’s up?! Those are some big feelings you're having.” Once you get a sense of what the problem is, an appropriate conflict resolution strategy can be put into play. “Oh I see, you really want that dinosaur! Ask Charlotte, “When you’re done, can I have a turn?” (See Blog Entry dated December 20, 2024: My child doesn’t want to share at school. How do I help him/her?)

Repetition is part of all learning, and the preschool classroom is no exception. This kind of conflict resolution will be repeated many times before children achieve mastery. They will get there, however, if we as adults can stay out of our panic response over hearing words like, “I’m going to kill you!”