Bribes: Yes or No?
Q: Is it okay to “bribe”my child to do something I want him or her to do?
Bribes and rewards are external motivators. They are usually not so effective in the long run because they remove ownership from the child and place it squarely on the adults. In fact, reward systems are largely a means of enforcing an adult agenda.
When an adult creates a reward system, it is intended to push a child to engage in a certain kind of behavior. It does not, however, encourage the adult to understand what the behavior is really about. While the child may be initially excited by the reward, often this fades and results in disappointment and upset.
For this reason, I mostly recommend staying away from reward systems. Occasionally a well placed reward can be really positive, fun, and help take the nerves out of doing something new and possibly hard or scary.
As a general rule though, the goal is that the child develop an intrinsic sense of drive, curiosity, and accomplishment. We want children of all ages to own their successes and be accountable for their mistakes.
We want children to feel proud of themselves when they master something new. We want them to have compassion and know how to care for a hurt friend when a mistake is made. Lastly, we want them to be resilient in the face of failure… if one idea doesn’t work, try another. We want them to know in the fiber of their being that they are capable of doing hard things.
Instead of sticker charts and M&Ms what else can we do? First and foremost, I recommend that you make sure that your expectations are appropriately set. Is your child developmentally able to independently complete the task you’ve assigned them? Let’s take chores, for example. A 12 or 13 year-old can definitely learn to do his/her own laundry. A 4 year old can help you put the clothes in the washer or move them to the dryer.
Teaching your young child to help around the house, will lay the groundwork for them to keep helping as they get older and more capable of completing tasks independently. Trust me when I tell you it’s worth the time and the effort. As they age, kids become experts at pushing back so it is good to start early.
The goal is to contribute to your child’s sense of competency, to encourage them in the pursuit of the intrinsic reward of contributing to your household, and giving them a sense of ownership and agency over their own existence.
Whether you’re a parent looking for guidance or a family in need of support, I’m here to help. Let’s work together to create a thriving home environment where everyone feels heard, loved, and understood.
