Why is it important to potty train my child by the time they’re 3?

Q: Why is it important to potty train my child by the time they’re 3?

Let’s start answering this question by looking back at your child’s recent development. At 2½ or so your child is deep in the  process of separation and developing a sense of him or herself as a unique individual. Your child may be tantruming more and may have discovered the power of the word “No!” Your child may venture away from you, and come back for check in’s and recharging. You are their sense of security. During this time, your child may get curious about the potty and doing other activities that imitate older siblings and parents. Sometimes you can help jumpstart this curiosity by getting a portable little potty. I recommend one that is super simple, plastic, and easy to empty and clean. You also want to be able to move it to other locations with ease.

By 2.9/3 your child is cognitively ready to truly understand the work around separation. At 3 your child is likely very motivated to please you as well. This is an ideal time to give your child a nudge in the direction of potty training, if he/she has not expressed an interest. 

3½ - 4 tends to be a period of dysregulation and rapid social growth. I’ve even heard the 4’s described as the beginning of adolescence! This was, of course, a joke, but some of the themes that come out in this age group do look alot like the teenage years!  At these ages, kids are sharpening their motor skills, forming early friendships, and really exploring their environment with a new level of understanding and curiosity. 

That said, if the child has not potty trained by this point it is often a more difficult process. Children become accustomed to not having to attend to their bodily needs. They’ve also become accustomed to the feeling of sitting in their own pee and poop. Developmentally, they are less inclined to please the adults around them. At the same time, they are higher level thinkers and may have some complicated ideas around using the potty. 

I recently potty trained a four year old boy. This child has a strong personality and was in the habit of throwing tantrums to avoid doing the things he was being asked to do. Removing his diaper and keeping it off was the first challenge we faced. As the third person in the classroom, I could let him know that I would wait as long as he needed for him to have his feelings. 

Long story short, he quickly mastered peeing in the potty, but was more reluctant around poop. Reluctant is actually an understatement, He was panicked. I pondered this with him. The conversation went something like this, “Hey! I noticed you get REALLY upset when I ask you to try to poop in the potty. What’s up with that?” Like all four year olds, he took me on a little excursion through his world, saying, “ I have these bones in my body.” I responded, “Yes you do! Everyone does.” He said, “well my bones are broken and then they come out.” 

It took me a beat to think this through, and then the lights went on.  “Oooooh! So you think your bones are broken and that when you poop they come out of your body?” He looked at me sadly, and said, “Yes!” I told him, “That is a really interesting idea, but that is not how our bodies work.  Your bones are not broken, and they do not come out of your body. Not ever. The poop that comes out of you is stuff that your body doesn’t need.” He literally heaved a sigh of relief and laid his head on my shoulder in a way he never had before. By the end of the week he was proudly pooping in the potty and completely potty trained. 

This clever child was stuck when it came to potty training,and it was holding back other areas of his development as well. Once he was potty trained he became more focussed, more able to follow classroom routines, and more confident in his own capacity to solve problems and do hard things. We also saw an increase in his compassion for peers.

When children potty train earlier, their thought processes are much less complicated. This developmental stage deserves to happen in its own time. You will see your child begin to move through the world with greater confidence. He/she will take pride in this accomplishment and that pride will move with them into preschool and beyond.

Whether you’re a parent looking for guidance or a family in need of support, I’m here to help. Let’s work together to create a thriving home environment where everyone feels heard, loved, and understood.