My child is friends with a kid that hits!
Q: My child is friends with a kid that hits. Should I tell the teacher I don’t want them to play together anymore?
This is an interesting question. We dedicate so much energy to protecting our children, yet when conflict arises with a peer it can be hard to know what to do.
It’s appropriate to seek out more information from your child’s teacher. That’s in part what they’re there for. I would recommend stopping short of telling him/her to keep them apart. When a child goes to school, their world gets progressively bigger, ranging from the intimate space offered by preschool to the 3,000+ student high school your child may one day attend.
The work of the preschool is to provide a “family adjacent” setting where the child can spread their wings a bit and experience the first thrills of autonomy. This doesn’t mean, however, that they are exempt from the normal stages of development that every child must pass through.
True collaborative play emerges in the fourth year of life, later than many of us expect. Children often make connections in daycare and preschool settings earlier than this, but the nature of these connections evolves and changes as the children mature. This evolution can be quite explosive
Some children do struggle more than others with impulse control and need guidance and support around developing successful peer relationships. Like adults, children are often drawn to their work. A child who is more reserved may be drawn to a child that is more boisterous. This tendency gives each child a chance to develop new skills. The boisterous child may need encouragement to slow down, let other kids do their ideas, use words to negotiate conflicts, and take care of friends when mistakes are made.
A quieter child can and should be encouraged to find his or her voice. This child can begin to learn to set boundaries around what they like and don’t like, be supported in protecting their toys and play ideas, and generally practice speaking up on their own behalf.
All children should feel safe in every classroom setting, but the presence of conflict is part and parcel of living in community with others.
It can be difficult for us as adults not to place adult ideas like “bullying” on these challenging interactions. Open communication with the teacher about your child and how she/he is supporting his/her growth is what matters most.
At root, the child who is more reserved may be drawn to a child who is more assertive because that is what he/she most needs to learn… how to set and hold a boundary, how to clearly state what he/she needs and wants, and the loud voice needed to negotiate these situations. On the same token, the child who is more assertive, may be drawn to the more reserved child because that child represents the work of self-restraint, leaving room for the needs of others, and softening how you express yourself when having big feelings.
